


Figuring It Out

by princiere



Category: Dear Evan Hansen - Pasek & Paul/Levenson
Genre: Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Angst with a Happy Ending, Fluff, Implied/Referenced Suicide, M/M, References to Depression, Trans Character, Trans Male Character
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-08-11
Updated: 2018-08-11
Packaged: 2019-06-26 00:50:29
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,990
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15652392
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/princiere/pseuds/princiere
Summary: Connor Murphy doesn't like to make friends. He'd rather be alone than lied to or tricked into trusting anyone. So he doesn't know what to do when he finds himself falling for that friend that Zoe keeps inviting to stay the night.





	Figuring It Out

**Author's Note:**

> Christ, sorry I take forever with releasing anything! I write a ton of prompts, but I can barely ever seem to finish anything lmao. Anyway, reader is transmale, so apologies to anyone that isn't as such. I'm all for representation for any fellow trans guys that are also gay af <3

High school was pure hell, as far as Connor could care, & it didn't help that his suicide attempt in junior year didn't work. Now, here he was in senior year, dealing with therapy & piles of medications that made him feel like he needed them in order to be a semi-functional human being, otherwise he'd drop dead on the spot.

Maybe that was for the best.

But he never did so. He kept taking his meds, not only because he'd already put his mom through hell & back with his suicide attempt, but because you'd finally began to grow on him. Sure, you were friends with Zoe, so of course you'd try to befriend Connor as well, but what struck his interest was that you never pushed your attempts at befriending him. Given that once Zoe was asleep, you'd share a few joints with him every now & then too, he was more interested in you than ever.

But he'll never admit that. He'll never admit how he's had these stupid daydreams about getting to know you on a romantic level since junior high. As far as he knew, he was just your source for weed, & while it hurt to think of that, at least he still got to talk with you.

It wasn't until he started senior year that he made a revelation. Connor was just trying to head to the bathroom in the middle of the night, but he stumbled in to see you perched over the bathroom counter, absentmindedly washing your face. This was already a strange encounter, but it didn't help that you weren't wearing a shirt, giving Connor the full view of some...tanktop, that you were wearing.

_"Hey Connor." You spoke nonchalantly. His eyes darted from your face to your torso._

_"Why's your tanktop got a zipper?" He inquired._

_"It's a binder."_

_Connor raised an eyebrow. "A...binder."_

_"Yea. Do you know what that is?"_

_"'Course I don't fuckin' know, that's why I'm asking."_

_He always thought you were strange for giggling at his crude remarks, but it was better than upsetting you. "Well I'm trans, so I wear a binder to compress my chest. Makes it look like I have a flat chest."_

_Connor felt a tinge in his chest. "You're...trans?"_

_"Is that a problem?" You looked to him in the mirror, as he leaned against the bathroom doorway._

_"No, I just...didn't know."_

_He was shocked when you laughed at this. "Wow, really? That's the best compliment I've ever gotten, thanks."_

_"Wait, but..." Connor coughed to ease his nerves. "Sorry if this sounds shitty, but...you don't sound like a girl, so-"_

_"I've been taking hormones." You turned to him, now finished with washing yourself up. "It deepened my voice. Started taking it in freshman year."_

_A silence filled the room, so you give a small chuckle & headed out, bumping elbows with Connor. "Zoe's out cold, if you still wanna talk. I gotta change, but I'll be in the living room afterwards."_

Ever since that encounter, he's had a newfound respect for you, but also developed a slight tinge of feeling... _overprotective_ of you. If anyone else knew about how you're trans, he could only imagine the shit you're going through, which pissed him off. Connor felt as though you didn't deserve that.

But again, he'd never admit that.

×-♡-×

It was supposed to be a normal Friday. Same shit as usual that Connor would have to deal with, but as long as he reminded himself it was only temporary, he could live with it. He's used to getting remarks from that Kleinman kid or just getting ignored in general, but...

Today was different. Zoe stayed home due to a dentist appointment, which left you by yourself today. Connor expected you to simply go about your routine alone, but when you arrived at the school courtyard that morning, you approached him.

Wait, what?

"Hey Connor." You smiled, snapping him out of his train of thought. "Mind if I have a seat?"

"...No." He muttered, putting his earbuds away. Great, _just great_ , now Connor was going to have to deal with being around his crush too. _**Fucking great.**_

"Zoe texted me that she won't be at school today."

"Yep."

Like most conversations with Connor, it went quiet for a moment. "You don't have to hang out with me." He coldly stated.

"I want to." You admittedly so bluntly that Connor almost choked on the air. "You're one of the only other people that are chill with me, & plus I think of you as a friend."

_Fuck, shit, fuck, **Connor stop blushing.**_

"I guess that's...good." He remarked. "Don't know why, but whatever."

"Well," You moved your bag onto your lap, "if Zoe wasn't a friend of mine, I'd still wanna hang out with you."

If Connor's heart wasn't already hammering in his chest, that would've set it off regardless. Someone...actually _wants_ to hang out with him? It didn't help that it was _you_ , of all people, but...

"I need to go." Connor stood up. Before you could stop him, he swiftly walked into the school & went into the nearest bathroom. He swore that if he was around you any longer his heart would've burst, but he just couldn't help these feelings anymore.

Connor was so enamoured with you. He was...in love, but-

No. No, you deserve _so_ much better than him. He knew you deserved better,  & no one was going to change his mind about that. No one.

×-♡-×

 **Zoe:** _'you should come over tonight!'_

 **_____:** _'I'm gonna guess ur parents are cool w/ it then? lol'_

 **Zoe:** _'of course! they adore you, & plus you manage to keep Con at bay.'_

 **_____:** _'speaking of which, I tried to hang out w/ him this morning & he suddenly left out of nowhere. u got any idea why?'_

 **Zoe:** _'beats me. you think I ever know what's going on in his head? besides, you shouldn't try to hang out with him. sure, he's been getting better since last year, but he's still pretty easy to set off if you aren't careful.'_

 **_____:** _'I think I can handle him, Zo. u guys think I can keep him at bay, so I think I'll be fine. besides, u know that I've been workin out some since I started hormones, so I can defend myself'_

 **Zoe:** _'if you say so.'_

×-♡-×

Unfortunately for Connor, you shared art class with him, so he didn't have a way to get a breather after being around you for more than a couple minutes. Luckily, though, this was the last class of the day, so he could finally hide in his car after all this and-

"Connor?"

He snapped out of his thoughts when you spoke to him. The two of you shared the same table, so he wasn't too taken back by your presence. "Would you mind driving me to your place after school?"

"What, why?" Connor tried to act cold.

"Zoe invited me over for the night, and-"

"I wasn't actually asking why, dumbass." He stopped you. "What other reason do you ever come over for?"

"Well, sometimes to hang out with you when you actually wanna share a joint." You teased. Connor rolled his eyes at this, but never rejected your request to give you a ride.

He was always so confused around you, but he supposed that it's why he was so intrigued by you as well. You've never cared about his social status, & were always so honest about your intentions & feelings. You never beat around the bush, but you don't rush into danger either. To add to it, you never made Connor feel as though you were forcing him to be friends with you. You were just...being yourself, & always wanting to try to come to a middle ground between you & him. You never made him leave his comfort zone, but you'd made it clear before that you'd be there for him whenever he decided to step out, if only for a bit.

You...made him feel like you cared. But then why was he so terrified at the idea?

Connor felt his chest swell, but he quenched these thoughts before they got any worse. God, why did he get his hopes worked up like this? It's not like you'd ever reciprocate these feelings.

×-♡-×

Once school let out, you walked with Connor to his car, hopping in to the passenger seat without a second thought. After sending a quick text to Zoe that you'd be heading over now, you put your phone away & glanced over to the boy sat next to you. "Got any plans for tonight?" You asked, hoping to strike a conversation.

"Probably just gonna get high again." Connor shrugged. "And no, I'm not sharing tonight."

You giggled at this. "I guess that's fair, since you pay for it. What's your dealer like?"

"Don't know, don't care." Connor spoke as he turned on the ignition. "I just want the weed, I'd prefer to not get stabbed or arrested."

His dark humor always struck a chord in you, as you began to laugh at this. "Do they ever give discounts?"

"Depends, you got a weed coupon?"

You laughed harder. "Dammit, Connor, I don't got that cash money like you do! I work at the supermarket in town, so do you think they'd accept coupons for, like...I dunno, a buck or two off a bag of soil for their Mary Jane plants?"

"Maybe go with fertilizer, instead." He remarked. You just barely noticed the corner of his mouth tilt up, but you smiled at this regardless.

×-♡-×

It was 2 AM. As expected, you couldn't fall asleep. _Damn you, insomnia._ Either way, you headed downstairs to the kitchen to grab a drink. To no one's shock, you heard shuffling downstairs,  & presumed it was Connor up at this time as well.

"Hey." You muttered, taking a seat at the kitchen's island. Connor was at the fridge--the only source of light in the room at the moment--grabbing what looked to be leftover pizza from earlier that night. "Hand me a slice, please."

Without a word, Connor put a couple slices on a paper plate & slid the contents to you. You gave a small thanks before digging in. They weren't very cold, so you could only guess they'd been in there for a couple hours.

"So, you got the munchies?" You inquired with a light tease.

"I didn't get high."

"Oh. What stopped you?"

"Just didn't want to, I guess." Connor took a seat just at the other corner of the island. "Ugh, no, I really want to, because I got way too fuckin' much on my mind right now, but...I dunno."

"Sounds like you might need to vent." You suggested. "I'm all ears with no judgement, if you wanna talk about it."

"Like you'd care." He coldly remarked.

"Hey, of course I care." You took slight offense in this. "I wouldn't have suggested venting to me if I didn't care, Connor."

He went silent, save for the quiet humming of the fridge & the occasional chewing from either of you. "I'm not saying you have to share your dramatic backstory with me or anything," You reiterated, "but if there's problems that you wanna get off your chest, I'm right here."

Connor didn't retaliate this time. Perhaps he was getting angry, & simply chose to ignore you. You knew this would happen sooner or later, but it still hurt to confront regardless. Of course, Zoe had warned you of his behavior long ago, so you didn't push anything out of him & continued to nibble on the pizza.

Aside from the fridge still whirring, neither of you didn't speak for a while. He might've been in thought, so you kept quiet. Besides, sitting with Connor at 2 AM while eating pizza felt...nice.

"Why do you put up with me?"

Glancing back to Connor, you noticed how tense yet defeated he appeared. He glared down at his slices, presumably to avoid your eyes. "I don't put up with you." You answered. "Whether you think the same of me or not, I consider you a friend. I dunno, I guess you just fulfill this...this part of me that I don't really tell other people about."

Connor blinked, looking over to you as he raised an eyebrow. You giggled, moving to stare down at your own plate. "Yea, I may talk to people like Zoe & give off this annoyingly peppy vibe at school, but with you...I feel like I'm just...one of the guys, y'know? I feel like I can be real with you & just- let go of my insecurities & problems for a while. None of this probably makes any sense, but-"

"It does."

You peeked back at Connor, who rested his elbows on the counter. "I...guess I'd have to say the same." He admitted. "I know I tend to get pretty cold & asshole-ish, but...I'm trying to get better. Just...thanks, for dealing with me when I get shitty."

You hummed, resting your chin in your palm. "Anything else on your mind?"

Connor seemed hesitant to answer, but soon he muttered, "What do you think of Zoe?"

That was the last thing you expected him to ask, & you tried to stifle a laugh. "If you're asking if I like her romantically, you should know that I'm gay as fuck."

His eyes snapped up to yours, & your attempt to quench your laughter failed this time. "So you like guys?"

"Yep." You nodded.

It wasn't until you looked back at him that you spotted something--was he...blushing? "What about you?" You tilted your head.

Connor blinked & looked away. "I...I don't know. I guess I'll like anyone if they're not a dick to me. Maybe bi, or pan..."

"No need to label yourself if that makes you uncomfortable, by the way." You shrugged. "For some, it gives them a feeling of security, while for others it can feel too restricting."

Connor nodded. "Still, I...I guess I can like anyone, I don't care much about what they have in their pants."

You smiled, amused at how shy Connor seemed to act despite always being so bitter & cold. Perhaps it was due to the both of you being the only people awake, so he didn't have to act such a way. He always seemed to become rather calm & open when it was just the two of you...

The sound of your heart pounding grew louder, but you ignored it. "Hey Connor?"

"Hm?"

"I'm glad we're friends."

He blinked, several times, & stared down at the floor. "Friends..." He muttered, almost in a melancholic tone.

You caught that. "What, you wanna be more than friends?" You teased, despite the churning in your stomach. Connor snapped back up at glared at you. "I mean," You winked, "I'm not opposed to it."

Your mind was screaming at you to just shut up, but all thoughts went silent when Connor scoffed. "Oh _ha ha_ , very funny, _____. Okay, who put you up to it? Was it Kleinman?"

"Wha-"

"Don't act bluff, I know you're just fucking with me just 'cause I got these...these shit feelings for you!" Connor stood up. "Should've known this was just some fuckin' prank."

Before he could walk away, you grabbed his arm. Connor wanted to yank his hand back & book it to his room, but...he couldn't. Something in him didn't want to lose the feeling of your touch on him, & he hated himself for that. He hated how easily you could convince him to do damn near anything, & the thought terrified him.

"Connor, you've got this all wrong." You loosened your grip on him, though not letting go yet. "Just...Just talk to me."

After a few moments, Connor shuffled to face you, keeping a foot away from where you sat. Still holding his arm, you tilted your head. "I didn't even know you felt that way about me." You stated first. "Even if Jared _did_ know  & told me, I doubt I would've believed him, because...well, we know how he is."

Moving your hand to his, you squeezed it & smiled when he tensed. "But, I'm glad you like me that way." You assured him, watching as Connor flushed & averted his gaze. "You should know that I feel the same about you, Connor."

Connor tightened his lips as he seemingly tried to hide his face with his hair. "I-" He stammered. "...I don't know what to do now."

"Maybe a hug?" You suggested, almost giggling when he nodded right after you spoke. Connor stepped closer, & since you were still sitting, you parted your legs & pulled him close. With hesitance, he moved his face to nestle in the crook of your neck, wrapping his arms over your shoulders as you hugged his torso.

"Are you sure you didn't get high?" You quietly asked. "You smell like dirt."

"Fuck off." Connor mumbled into your neck, making you shiver & laugh. "Weed does that to you, even if you haven't smoked that day."

"Fair enough." You giggled, resting your chin on his shoulder. Despite the heavy blushing from both parties, the hug you shared was...comforting.

As he let go, Connor still kept close, watching you barely giggle at the feeling of some of his stray hairs tickling your skin. He tensed again, gripping your shirt & leaning his forehead against yours. When you gave him a puzzled look, Connor muttered, "I just... _really_ wanna kiss you but I don't- I don't wanna scare you or-"

He didn't get to finish before you pressed your lips to his. At first, he tensed out of shock, but it didn't take him long to settle down & relax, pressing back. A barely audible noise emitted from you, & you wrapped your arms around his neck to keep him close.

Once you needed air, you pulled away, humming. "You taste like pizza."

"No shit." Connor couldn't help but smile as you laughed.

**Author's Note:**

> ᕕ( ツ)ᕗ Boy oh boy am I feelin' gay on this fine day.
> 
> I can easily let this go downhill into smut if anyone's interested but for now take that hot mess for what it is lmao. hope u enjoyed!!


End file.
